I'd like to write about a topic that is perhaps of considerable interest to you: You.
And you may find it interesting, particularly if you’re impecunious, like Niagara Falls — which is one impecunious town. Sometimes I am at a loss to understand its impecuniousness.
President Cleveland hailed from Buffalo/Niagara Falls. He is on the largest U.S. bill. Make our former president proud by collecting a number of his likenesses this summer season at One Niagara.
Consider: 20 million people visit each year. As a small city, it’s a grand achiever: first tourist destination in the Western world; first place to demonstrate hydroelectric power for the masses; first place to develop a state park — now the most visited in the USA; first place to give up its lucrative power and tourism to its state government so all profits could be sent to New York City, leaving Niagara Falls somewhat foolishly impecunious.
The first place in the history of the world to get 20 million tourists a year, laden with money in their pockets, yet became a ghost town — across the river from a boom town. Twenty million each year, and Niagara Falls and its residents are stupefyingly impecunious.
However, the topic is not Niagara Falls but, more or less, you. “You need or would like to make more money!”
One Niagara is the closest privately owned building to Niagara Falls and a great place for you to make money. It is teeming with tourists; their billfolds are bulging with cash they are eagerly awaiting to give you.
Even the learned publisher of this paper, Mr. Bruce Battaglia, had to admit to being lumped into this category. But when challenged, he thought of a way to make more: Sell a book he had published, written by the editor of this publication, Mike Hudson, titled “Niagara Falls Confidential,” at One Niagara. After all, he reasoned, millions of tourists come by One Niagara because “you are at the doorstep of one of the greatest natural attractions in the world!”
And because of propinquity to Niagara Falls, as Mr. Battaglia knows, many go inside and visit our stores and restaurants. Some of them, while visiting Niagara Falls, might like to read something brilliant to help them imbibe the local flavor. Some of these, naturally, will elect to purchase Mr. Hudson’s excellent book if it were to be on sale at One Niagara.
This might mean that Mr. Hudson and Mr. Battaglia will conceivably rise higher in the world of finance and consequently be removed further from the galling prospect of being impecunious.
What better way, then, for you, not unlike Mr. Hudson and Mr. Battaglia, to move farther away from chilling and stark impecuniosity then to do something this spring and summer to get money from each of 20 million people who visit our town?
Perhaps it’s simplistic, but within the next few weeks millions of international tourists will be roaring by, replete with abundant money, from shekels to rubles. The sound of their footfalls, combined with the clinking of coins in their pockets, will almost drown out the roar of the falls. You'd have to hide all summer to get out of their way. Since you live in a tourist town, you to ought to sell something or provide some service and make money.
And remember, if there are 20 million who come here, they are not like the 20 million living in metropolitan New York City, whom Albany helps support by extracting much of our natural wealth and gifting it to them. These are happy people on vacation. Tourists, unlike the good people we help support in New York City, like to spend money in Niagara. It's a perfect joy to allow them to do it.
Consequently, at One Niagara, we like to find new products to sell — especially home-grown and creative local products — but any product: imported, regional, Americana, international, nostalgia, copycat, bizarre, avant garde, trendy, budget, pricey, eccentric, useful, practical, humorous. Anything a tourist might need or want. Therefore, this is an invitation for you to come up with new ideas and put your product in the hands of tourists this season. And make money. Like our other vendors do. Some of them make more in the summer than they do the rest of the year. Some make enough so they do not work the rest of the year. That’s how it should be in a tourist town. Additionally, your product will be exposed to a world audience. The flower of humanity, in all their gorgeous finery, come to see Niagara, from every part of the world: India, China, Korea, Japan, all of Europe, Russia, Australia, the middle East, many countries of Africa, South America — and, of course, Canada and every state in the USA.
It’s an attraction in itself to witness the whole world viewing the world’s greatest waterfalls. There is a chance of spreading your product everywhere and achieving, if it catches on, not only money but fame.
We’ll make you a deal at One Niagara: I’ll happily take a percentage of the profits for providing you with the optimum place, accessible to the average Niagara Falls resident (we have no chain stores), to meet international tourists looking to spend money — 991 feet from the brink of Niagara Falls.
The gentlemen above is Mr. Kenneth Thomas.
As you can see, he is bald. He is also a marketer with a penchant for success: Vegas style. He is now assisting me in the management of, as he puts it, “N.Y.’s Hottest Tourist destination: ONE NIAGARA, Niagara Falls, NY.”
Here is the text for Mr. Thomas’ ad:
LIMITED SPOTS AVAILABLE; Across from Falls; Sell your product in a Mall-style environment: Jewelry; art; souvenirs; food products! What do you have to sell? 20 million people go by One Niagara every year; Spots going quickly; Advertisement space available also. Potential in the $$ hundreds of thousands, depending on your product. CALL 805-260-9344.
And on the topic of me, I won’t be impecunious any more. And maybe neither will you. Don’t wait. Give Mr. Thomas a call. Don’t let his baldness fool you: 805-260-9344.
Frank Parlato Jr. is the managing member of One Niagara, LLC. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.